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Because it was my brother's birthday, our mom wanted to do something special. She called his fraternity house and said she wanted to bring a cake. The young man who took the call was very excited. "Hey, Mrs. Schaeffer," he said, "that would be great!"
The next day she drove to the fraternity and rang the doorbell. The same boy answered the door. When he saw the cake, his face fell. "Oh," he said, clearly disappointed. "I thought you said 'keg.' "
The next day she drove to the fraternity and rang the doorbell. The same boy answered the door. When he saw the cake, his face fell. "Oh," he said, clearly disappointed. "I thought you said 'keg.' "
As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?" In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?" In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone?" Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"
A man was wandering around a carnival and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. “Ah...” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.” “That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children.” The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”
Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His
best friend, little Benny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells
his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a
strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up
and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t tell the
family. I asked for a new watch and here it is.”
Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his
parents’ bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears
some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. He walks in and
catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep
quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says, “I want a watch.”
The dad sighs and says, “Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don’t
make any noise.”
best friend, little Benny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells
his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a
strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up
and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t tell the
family. I asked for a new watch and here it is.”
Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his
parents’ bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears
some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. He walks in and
catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep
quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says, “I want a watch.”
The dad sighs and says, “Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don’t
make any noise.”
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a
costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there wearing
only underwear.
“What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.
“A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my underpants!”
costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there wearing
only underwear.
“What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.
“A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my underpants!”
Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman,
“Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I
knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!
And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer
could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!
“Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I
knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!
And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer
could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was
completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer
sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a
month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar
up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also
seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M
and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only
here to listen to the music.”
“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”
completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer
sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a
month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar
up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also
seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M
and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only
here to listen to the music.”
“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift
envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at
the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in
a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door,
and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she made him a full
breakfast with a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring the coffee, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the
cup’s bottom edge. “All this is just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but
what’s the money for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night I told my husband that today would be your last
day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give
you and he said, ‘Fuck him, give him a fiver.’”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift
envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at
the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in
a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door,
and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she made him a full
breakfast with a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring the coffee, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the
cup’s bottom edge. “All this is just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but
what’s the money for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night I told my husband that today would be your last
day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give
you and he said, ‘Fuck him, give him a fiver.’”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
