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A man goes into a shop and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer but there are no prices listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, “Five dollars for both of them.” “You’ve got to be joking!” the man says. “No, that’s the price,” the salesman says. “Do you want to buy them or not?” “Yeah, I’ll take them,” the man says. He continues to look around and sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, and speakers. “How much?” he asks. “Five dollars for the system, including installation,” the salesman says. “Is it stolen?” the man asks incredulously. “No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new. Do you want it or not?” “Certainly,” the man says. He looks around some more. As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, “Why are your prices so cheap?” The salesman says, “Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now with my wife, and what he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business!”
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, “This is your captain. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.” He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, “Well, skipper, what are you going to do in Toronto?” “Well,” says the pilot, “first I’m going to check into the hotel and have a dump, after which I’m going to take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. And then, after dinner and a few drinks, I’ll take her back to my room and have sex with her all night.” Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and
down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She’s so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, “No need to hurry, dear. He’s got to take a shit first.”
down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She’s so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, “No need to hurry, dear. He’s got to take a shit first.”
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink. While he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off of the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it into his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole! The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No. What?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... WHOLE!” “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy. “He eats everything in sight. The little bastard. Sorry, I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabs it, sticks it up its ass, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did?” he asks. “No. What?” asks the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures things first!!”
A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers. One door is opened by a fairly sexy buxom woman who is wearing a transparent lace negligee. “Hi, Missus, I’ve come for the paper money. It’s $5 please,” says our boy, with his hand held out. “I’m afraid I’ve no money in the house,” the woman replies in a breathy voice, “but if you come in I’m sure I can think of something...” So our lad goes in and the woman throws herself back on the fireside rug, pulling off the negligee, moaning, “You can have ME instead...” The kid sighs, takes off his bag, and then produces a dick that wouldn’t look out of place on a stud bull. The woman is agog. Our lad then produces a load of big rubber rings from his bag, which he proceeds to stack around his giant knob. “What are they for?” asks the woman. “Oh, they’re just to make sure I don’t go all the way in when I fuck you,” replies the boy. “To hell with them!” implores the woman. “I’ll take all of you!” Our lad replies... “Not for five fucking dollars you won’t!
In a train car there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular-looking blonde and a frightfully awful-looking fat lady. After several minutes the train happened to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap was heard. When they left the tunnel the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought—That French son-of-a-bitch wanted to touch me and must have put his hand on the fat lady by mistake, who, in turn, must have slapped his face. The large lady thought—That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him. The Frenchman thought—That fucking Englishman put his hand on the blonde and she slapped me by mistake
A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them. After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, screws them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep screwing, and upon returning home falls exhausted into bed. The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. “No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is beeping the horn.”
God had just about finished creating the universe, but he had a couple of leftover things in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away
was the ability to pee standing up. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple, who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.” Adam, excited by this idea, jumped up and begged, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals I could just let it rip. It’d be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to. Let me stand and pee, oh please...” On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the ability to pee standing up. And so it was. And it was...well…good. “Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. “And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...”
was the ability to pee standing up. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple, who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.” Adam, excited by this idea, jumped up and begged, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals I could just let it rip. It’d be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to. Let me stand and pee, oh please...” On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the ability to pee standing up. And so it was. And it was...well…good. “Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. “And what do we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...”
