The James Bond film Spectre opens in November. Writer Peter
Anspach explains how he’d improve his odds if he were a film villain. • I will not fly into a rage and
kill a messenger who brings me
bad news just to illustrate how evil
I am. Good messengers are hard
to come by. • My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. • If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have
to leave the table for any reason,
I will order new drinks for both
of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him. • My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. • When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off.
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If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims? “In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.” “I didn’t think the speed limit
applied after midnight.” “The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.”
Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except
for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, “That Larry—he always has to put his two saints in.”
“How many times have you committed suicide?” “Were you alone or by yourself?” “Was it you or your brother who was killed?” “Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.” “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?” “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from
an auto accident. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report. “Didn’t you keep the original copy?” I asked. “No,” she said. “I faxed it to you.”
A customer walked up to my
bank window and asked me to cash
a check. “Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.” She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot. “That’s me in the middle,” she said.
Faculty at our university had to file an explanation when they gave a grade of Incomplete. One semester, a professor’s report read “Student #1 contracted mononucleosis. Student #2 contracted pregnancy.”
